Going solo

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

It's positive...

I tested positive yesterday. Strange instead of being estatic, I actually feel kinda sad and lost. It's as though I'm going to lose everything. My stability. I am barely coping with what I have right now. With another one on the way, it's going to be very tough to do it alone. I'm very very sad...

Sunday, July 16, 2006

A mother's pain

It is so sad to see how Nadie craves for your affection. She cried so hard today and refused to be comforted by me. She completely forgot how just a few days ago, you wouldn't give her the time of day. During those days, she just stayed away from you without any fuss when you weren't giving her any attention.

Once you started spending time with her again, she stuck to you like glue. I couldn't do anything for her.. it had to be you. She became your allie against me.

She cried so hard today calling out for you. She cried so hard in front of you and you totally ignored her. She struggled to get away from me, all the time crying out for you. She fell and hit her head, crying out to you that she hurt herself but she was ignored.

It pains me to see her like that. I felt so helpless.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Disappointed

I chose to be with you despite knowing that you will never care for me the way I need you to. I have been patient and tolerated all the things that have come my way....your unfaithfulness, your lies.. the way you seem to take me for granted. I can tolerate the silence when you are mad. I am willing to give in even when I know I am not totally in the wrong.

What I cannot tolerate is the way you treat Nadie. She gets the same silence when you are mad. She calls for you and is ignored. It makes me very sad because she doesn't deserve this. She has done nothing wrong.

Can't sleep

I am having symptoms of insomnia. My mind is tired, my eyes are bleary but my body will not succumb and relax. I wake up often in the night. I used to be able to sleep through anything.

But if they are a result of what I had set myself out to do, then good. The end result will be worth it.

Seeking solace

In June 2002, I went for a mini pilgrimage with a broken heart. I was in so much emotional pain. There I managed to find my peace and solitude. For that short period of time, I was cut away from the turmoils and confusion in my life.

I remember being in Masjid Nabawi. Being inside gave me a feeling of serenity that I have not felt before. I was in Raudhah, the area which Rasullulah s.a.w mentioned to be one of the gardens in heaven. Those who sit and pray there would get Allah's biggest blessings.

It was very crowded and people were pushing and shoving to get a spot to pray. I managed to get a tiny spot for myself enough to perform my prayers. I remember performing the solat istikharah, a prayer to seek Allah's guidance in knowing if what we choose was the best for us. I asked Allah if I was making the right decision to get married and be with the man that I had been with for so many years.

The next day I woke up from sleep and felt an extraordinary calmness. It was as though the bad thoughts had been flushed out of my head. It was an incredible feeling of calm.

It was right then that I made my decision.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Sadness beyond my control

I am feeling very sad. No, maybe not sad, just resigned. I am trying to distract myself to prevent myself from crying. I cried so much yesterday that my eyes are puffy and I have a headache. I need to deal with these feelings.

Going solo

You are a free spirit that should never have been tied down. I know that now. It's like the show 'Final Destination' whereby no matter how the characters tried to avoid death they couldn't because it was their ultimate destiny to die. That is your destiny. To be free.
I have tried most of my life trying to suppress you. The telltale signs are there, the experiences are many. It's time to let go. There is nothing that I can do for you anymore. There's too much that you want to do that I will never be a part of. And most importantly, there's nothing that you can do for me anymore.
There's nothing to fear but fear itself. And my fear has always been that I would lose everything that is stable in my life. I have always been afraid of losing my stability. Afraid to face new challenges in my life, afraid to be on unstable ground. Which is why I have always been the forgiving one, the first to apologize and absorb the pain and hurt, the first to relent and give in... just to keep everything in order.
I guess everything's going to change now. I don't deny that I am afraid of what the future might hold and the future of my little one. And I am very sure that you would not make my new life an easy one.
I have tried so hard to keep everything together, sacrificing my self-respect, my dignity and my pride, only to be rewarded with this feeling of abandonment.
I am reluctant to get rid of my anger because when that is gone, I would have to deal with the hurt, disappointment and despair that comes after.
Maybe one day you will realise how much you need me.. or maybe not at all. I am proud that I have been a positive influence in your life. I am happy that you have gotten far, and I pray that you would go further. But you will have to do that without me. We hold differing values. We have to move on. For the sake of our sanity.
I have to forgive and most importantly, slowly but surely... forget.