Going solo

Monday, July 10, 2006

Going solo

You are a free spirit that should never have been tied down. I know that now. It's like the show 'Final Destination' whereby no matter how the characters tried to avoid death they couldn't because it was their ultimate destiny to die. That is your destiny. To be free.
I have tried most of my life trying to suppress you. The telltale signs are there, the experiences are many. It's time to let go. There is nothing that I can do for you anymore. There's too much that you want to do that I will never be a part of. And most importantly, there's nothing that you can do for me anymore.
There's nothing to fear but fear itself. And my fear has always been that I would lose everything that is stable in my life. I have always been afraid of losing my stability. Afraid to face new challenges in my life, afraid to be on unstable ground. Which is why I have always been the forgiving one, the first to apologize and absorb the pain and hurt, the first to relent and give in... just to keep everything in order.
I guess everything's going to change now. I don't deny that I am afraid of what the future might hold and the future of my little one. And I am very sure that you would not make my new life an easy one.
I have tried so hard to keep everything together, sacrificing my self-respect, my dignity and my pride, only to be rewarded with this feeling of abandonment.
I am reluctant to get rid of my anger because when that is gone, I would have to deal with the hurt, disappointment and despair that comes after.
Maybe one day you will realise how much you need me.. or maybe not at all. I am proud that I have been a positive influence in your life. I am happy that you have gotten far, and I pray that you would go further. But you will have to do that without me. We hold differing values. We have to move on. For the sake of our sanity.
I have to forgive and most importantly, slowly but surely... forget.

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